Heh, I'm a horrible blogger Part Deux (or Duh)

Hey, I did better, it has only been 2-1/2 weeks instead of nearly 6 this time. I know you missed me. Oh yeah.

I recorded the Royal wedding and have yet to watch the whole thing, I watched all the pre-wedding bullshit up until Kate got to the actual alter and stopped it, heh. I must admit, I was hesitant taping the CNN coverage, but boy oh boy was that the best decision EVER! It was Anderson Cooper (whom I love, I could care less if he may be a closeted gay, go on with you cute ass Anderson!), Cat Deeley (the only skinny bitch I love, I also love SYTYCD), and good ol' Piers Morgan (again love this guy), so anyway, they were the hosts for this. I knew about 40 minutes in it was the perfect choice for me and oh, I will tell you why.

So apparently there is this socialite from the UK, her name is Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, she is 39, and is kind of like a mash up of our Paris Hilton and Ryan Seacrest. I say these two because she is a reality TV whore and host, and she is a socialite, with a bit less money. Well apparently she had a severe cocaine problem. So bad that her nose COLLAPSED, it was called a Septum Nasi collapse, basically, she snorted so much fucking coke, that it ate away her fucking inner nose. Good job chicka. Then she had surgery to fix it, well, it didn't really go to fucking well, it  looks pretty fucked up.

Before we get to far ahead, lets take a gander at her before her schnoz sank:

She was pretty, right? On the cute side, in fact looks like a cuter less plastic Melissa Rivers!

Well,below is the pictorial timeline, starting with her sniffer after it snuffed itself. Then after surgery.

Snuffed Sniffer

After New Nose

Now that we all know about Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, I am sure you are saying "What the fuck does this have to do with the Royal wedding or Piers Morgan." Well first of all keep calm and listen on.

So she was invited to the Royal wedding, I guess being a former drug addicted attention whore is Royal invite worthy.... fuck socialites, they can kiss my fat fucking ass. Ok, so she is walking into Westminster Abbey for the wedding, here she is:

Stupid Fucking Hat

Okay, another thing I will admit before we move on, I fucking LOVE the insane bat-shit crazy hats that these women wore, some were actually really awesome and made me want to wear one everyday, but some were down right fugalicious. (in case you dont know what that is Educate Yourself), so she comes waltzing up the walkway with some other chick dressed in pretty much the same dress in purple with purple fur at the top. Then OMG the fucking awesomeness that is Piers Morgan commences! First off when he realized who it was he said and I quote:

"Tara Palmer-Thomkinson you're seeing there, she had a operation on her nose last week, because it had been completely desecrated by drug use."

Then he went on to say she had a massive cocaine problem, that it ruined her nose. Cat Deeley said well, if the nose surgery had not gone well, she could just pull the hat down over her nose. *sigh* I love them now. The entire footage of people entering the Abbey, was totally delicious with gossip and hilarity (at least to me!). So yeah. Piers (yes we are on a first name basis now), did say that Tara was a very nice person, but did use drugs A LOT in her past. So she is a likable former coke sniffing socialite. Good for her.

Oh and another thing on the Royal Wedding Guests. I have never really been a big fan of David Beckham I never liked his gruffy just off the soccer field look he seems to sport EVERYWHERE. But fuck me if he wasn't the hottest thing in Europe that day at the wedding! Here are a few pics for you to look at.

Yummy!

Yes David, I will go to bed with you!

Oh yeah, give me a man in a morning suit anytime! Wowsa! He literally made me go "mmmm" when I seen him! Forget a poster of him with nothing on, I want a poster of him in a tux! Someone get on that for me...

Also after 3 boys, I would like to congratulate them on finally getting their baby girl!

Ok, now all the Royal Wedding business is over with. On Swap-Bot I had a fellow member point out this article based on my Drugs, Money in Vagina's post.

Ok, so we thought the 22¢ in miss thang above's va-jay-jay was a bit much. Check this shit out. I thought I would give you a nice pictorial collage of what was found in this guys asshole....

Okay, so the *'s are because of the following:

*1, it is unknown if the matches were waterproof as shown here. Or if they were in anything to protect them...

*2, another unknown, we do not know if this is the type of flint he had up there, I kind of hope so, because the other most common flint is 2 pieces attached by a string, that one takes up a bit more anus real estate.

*3, Also unknown the type of eraser it was, but this was my interpretation, I felt the POO eraser was appropriate here.

*4, Yes another unknown, was the condom in a package, or was it loose? We may never know.

*5, Yet another unknown, the coupon could have been anything, but again, my interpretation, and I figured in prison, this coupon may get him out of an ass pounding, because obviously he can stuff A LOT in there.

It's like mining for fools gold huh!? To add to the crappiness of this guys ass, the dude is from Fucking FLORIDA, go figure. There are some crazy fucking people here.

To read the article yourself (and see the mug of the guy), here you go Ass Olympics.

Okay everyone, enjoy, and come back again! I might update next week! Holy SHIT!

♥Misty

I'm a horrible blogger.

The title of this blog is pretty self explanatory! I am a horrible blogger! However, having a couple people comment, brought me back here! That means at least TWO PEOPLE read the shit I had to say! Woot!

Ok, so that's out of my system. Let's continue on with some shitty blogging.

Royal Jelly Beans

Well, if anyone here has watched the news over the past few days, the "funny" kind of story they have been talking about is the "Kate Middleton Jelly Bean," yes, you read that correctly JELLY BEAN. So these people bought some Jelly Bean Factory® jelly beans which are the UK's version of our Jelly Belly® jelly beans (give me good cheap ol' Jelly Bird Eggs® from Brach's® anyday). So what did they do? As any money seeking gremlin would do, sell it on EBAY! Yay. Guess for how much? $5, no, $20? No, wow, Misty, they want more than $20 for a jelly bean? Why yes they do, they want £500, for those of you in the US, or who are to lazy to calculate the exchange rate (just google it for fucks sake), it is $811.40 dollars in USD! Yep, EIGHT HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS for a mother fucking jelly bean. From what I am understanding about the articles, the "amazing" jelly bean sold for close to $1000 us dollars. Yep. I kind of wish I had money to toss around like that, because I would buy it, and record myself eating the fucking thing, and post it on YouTube. Fuck yeah. But, I think whoever bought it, actually did for collecting purposes. Eh, to each his (or her) own.

I must say though, the "bean" kinda does look like someone with long hair. Since Kate Middleton is the talk of the town in the UK right now I could see them thinking this. I love the quote by the guy who "found" said jelly bean. "As Jessica opened the jar, I saw her immediately. She was literally lying there staring back at me." Whatever dude, you just saw money signs, or in this case pound signs ££££!!

Another thing, I tried for nearly an hour (yes I have NO LIFE, which is all the more reason to update here) to find said jelly bean auction to no avail, so if any of you get lucky and find it, I would love to see the link to that auction.

I may also add, that the company is owned by a guy named Peter Cullen, I have to admit, for a few seconds I imagined Optimus Prime leading company meetings, and talking about sales figures in the next quarter. Wouldn't that be awesome? Optimus Prime's voice makes me wet. Yep, I said it, so fucking sue me. Oh and in case you didn't know by reading it, Optimus Prime (both cartoon and the new movies) voice is done by Peter Cullen.

Showing my love for my Boo Optimus

For your enjoyment -------------->

Here are links to various articles talking about this miraculous jelly bean.

Salon.com
Today.com
The Telegraph
and of course ABCNews Had to have their say.

 Also, I love people with awesome senses of humor, so check out these two current auctions on Ebay.

Kate Jelly Bean Painting
Kate & William Jelly Beans


Backhoe Joyride


Ok, so our next story, well, this guy is my hero, and he totally planned it! So he kept a key from an old construction job, that was a master key to large construction vehicles, like, oh, say a backhoe!?! Well, big guy gets a bit tipsy, and decided to take the backhoe from a construction area in his neighborhood for a fun loving joy ride. He took out some mailboxes, a light pole or two, a street sign (or two), and a fucking utility box!! I love this guy. To bad he got arrested, you know, because he took the joyride for one in his neighborhood, but his neighborhood was apparently upscale. So of course the cops were called, because all the snooty upscale people can't help out a neighbor with his drunkenness, assholes. 

My neighborhood isn't the worst, and isn't the best, but my neighbors are to fucking lazy to call the cops for something like this, they would curse at him, commandeer the "vehicle" drive (or walk) his drunk ass home, and put the "vehicle" back. How do I know this? Because we did that once when Mr. Drunkypants from down the street got drunk and was wreaking "havoc" with his ride on lawnmower. He "tried" to knock over a few mailboxes, but just succeeded in making little leaning mailboxes of Lakeland. We all fixed our mailboxes, one neighbor drove home the lawnmower while another neighbor walked him home. No cops, no hate, no snootiness. We all ended up getting a shit load of the best fucking homemade cookies ever from his wife the next day! Kindness goes a long way. Now this guy (from the article) will have this on his record, and most likely will not be hired for any jobs that are construction related. Good job neighbors. of course he did take out a utility box, so they may have been without power, I guess that would piss me off as well. But whatever. Shit happens.


Ok, so I think I am done now. I will try to keep up with this better. (maybe, notice I didn't make a promise)

Much Love,
           ♥Misty

Drugs, Money in Vaginas!

Hello Everyone!

Today is Tuesday, last night/this morning I was parusing the internet looking at random things, and I came across this story. The one I have posted the link to, has the most information regarding the story.

Woman Had 54 Bags of Heroin in her Vagina

Yes folks, that does say FIFTY FOUR bags of Heroin in her Vagina! Okay, I have heard of people putting things up their lady parts, and their asses, but this is crazy! Seriously, I say she is bat shit crazy, why did she have all that up there? She was in a wreck, then arrested because she ended up being a suspect in a robbery. 

Okay, so let's talk about this. First of all, she had FIFTY FUCKING FOUR baggies of HEROIN in her VAGINA, ok, that said, she also had 31 empty bags, like the author of the post said, why? Why put the empties up there? 

So moving on, 8-1/2 pills. A HALF? Why a half? Why are they up there either? WTF? She is fucking crazy. So here we got all this shit in her vagina. Wow, incredible right? Crazy lady had a bunch of drugs in her vagina, lets call it a day and we got a great story to tell the grand kids.

OH, but wait, that's not all folks. There was $51.22 in cash found up there too!?!?! What the FUCK? Seriously? 22 cents? There was another article that stated there were SEVERAL dollars worth of CHANGE in there! WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE think to do that? Even if she was high as FUCK, when would that ever be a good idea? What about pockets, purses, hell shoes and bras if your desperate, but in your vagina? $51.22, unbelievable. 

So like I said before, I think that she was more than just possibly high, I think this woman has some mental issues that need to be addressed, because she is fucking crazy. Also you think that is a lot of stuff to be in there?

Well by means of "stuffing things in places" this guy may have her beat. 

It's All in the Keyster.

Yep, he sure did.

Have fun people, tomorrow is HUMP day, I got shit to do, so see you later.

~Misty

Greetings and Salutations!

Okay, so I have been wanting a blog for sometime now, figured no body gives a shit what I say. Then I said fuck it. Lets make one. (by lets I mean me, myself, and the gnome that lives in my bra) 

So I do also have a nice G rated craft blog here. If you go there, I must say, there is even less traffic than this one. Which is NONE. I live a kind of sad little life, however, it is MY sad little life. I don't complain to much, at least out loud. I have lots of dialog in my head sometimes. Maybe we will discuss the mental health issues later (not that I have any, yet...).

So I am getting old now, and unfortunately I live at home with my parents, yep, I'm that creepy guy who lives in his Mom's basement, lurking around the internet at night, while in his underwear, eating meatball hot pockets, and drinking Mountain Dew. Except, I am female, we live in Florida, so no basement, I sit around in PJs instead of undies, and don't do the Dew. I do <3 Hot Pockets though! Also I don't think I am that creepy, but I can creep people out sometimes, so I guess that counts. Oh well.

I LOVE to make shit, and no I don't literally mean shit, which sometimes a good poo on the loo does make me smile, I am crafty. I make Artist Trading Cards (I'm not very artistic, just creative), handmade greeting cards, note cards, I like making collages, doing up-cycle crafts, I attempt to sew when my sewing machine decides to stop PMSing. I also have made jewelry, origami, bookmarks, postcards, envelopes and a bunch of other fun crafty crap! If you would like to take a gander at my crappy craft blog go ahead!

I really love to laugh, and it could be some stupid kids joke on the back of laffy taffy, a political joke, dirty jokes, curse filled rants, slapstick comedy, stupid B-Movie horror movies, peoples stupidity, my animals, People at Wal-Mart, puns, I Can Has Cheesburger, XKCD, . Anything can be funny, if you see the humor in it. 

I also LOVE movies, I have seen way to many fucking movies. Mostly horror and sci-fi, but all the other genres sneak their way in there to sometimes. Not much for the romantic crap. I have seen a few, but most make me want to kick someone. They are STUPID, unfortunately they can be entertaining sometimes, if you call mind numbing entertaining. I really like off beat, weird, and all around fucked up movies too, like Ichi the Killer, Human Centipede, Dead Girl, and so on. Also I kick ass at the 6 degrees game, well when you play actors only (some people play with directors and shit, fuck that).

I also like all types of music, ok, ok, I LOVE all types of music (woo for the LOVE fest post!), oldies, 80's, rap, classical, pop, jazz, blues, death metal, country, Reggae, and just about everything in between. I BLAME my family for my wide music tastes, my parents were older by the time they had me, and my brothers are 5 & 10 years older than me, so everyone was different with their music tastes, so I was exposed to a lot of different sounds.

Ok, now that I got that crap out of the way. I love animals as well. We have A LOT of animals at my house. They are all loved, fat, happy, and a couple are neurotic, but that's for another day. My family (meaning my parents and I), have a total of 10 dogs and 1 cat. What the fuck!?! I know, I know, but most were rescues. Ah hell, all of them were a rescue really, just different degrees of "rescuing" were needed. I'm to flipping lazy to post their pics right now, maybe I will have a post just about them one day, there is enough of them! They all got stories too.

Well, I should be attempting to go to bed at a decent time, yep, 5am, sounds good.

Oh if for some reason, I got you hooked with my eloquent words and fantastic grammar (I can pretend!), this blog will just be my opinions, stuff in the news, maybe some movie reviews, weird shit, funny shit, and whatever other shit seems post worthy.

Wow, this post is kinda shittastic. Well, everyone has to start somewhere right?

~Misty